The Hard Work of Healing.

•November 30, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Why does it seem like the  moment I think I really need someone, there is no one there? Does that seem like a message from God, or what??

I came home tonight, with worries on my mind that had already crept in, to this Norman Rockwell-esque Christmas scene in the living room. Lights on the Christmas tree, stockings hung on an IKEA shelf, and  1940’s Christmas Classics playing out of the computer.

And yet, all I wanted to do was run away.  I was in no Norman Rockwell mood.

My heart longs for someone special tonight. So much.  But I have this anxiety, this fear.. that they don’t even know that.  Do they think to themselves? Maybe she misses me? Or, “I know that she loves me. I bet she would love a note from me”.

I feel so ignored and neglected by them. I wonder if they even think of me? Do they even know I feel so forgotten?  Not that it would be even right to tell them, or would it?

Logic and experience tells me to “Stay Connected”  “Reach Out When you Need it”. I know that is the path to wholeness. But without fail, it seems whenever I pick up the phone to do that “reaching out”—that is when the person doesn’t answer their phone, or bother to check their email. “Check in” they say, but are not there at the checkpoint.

Part of this I am prepared for. Since undertaking this intensive “at home therapy” one week ago, I was told to expect things like this to happen. Maybe even much worse.

I know it is the road less traveled.  I know that this is a process like getting your teeth sandblasted nad scrapped at the dentist. Nobody WANTS to do that stuff, but the cost is worth it in the end. It has to be done to be truly healthy.  Getting the crud and the shit out of you is not an easy process.  It has to hurt, it has to be uncomfortable, it can’t be easy, but it has to be done if you want to be better in the end.

The question always hangs in the air though, “Do I really want to be better?”  “Am I worth it?”  “Is my life worth it?”

I say: Yes.  But it is still so hard.

Kyrie Elesion.  Lord, carry me through.  I need You, I need you.

Understatement of the Year, Perhaps.

•November 16, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Healing Holly

•November 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I am attempting to get the word circulated to help Holly. Please pass this site on to anyone you can, or to any non-profits or organizations you can think of that could help Holly.  I believe that we can. Yes. We. Can!  –Thanks.

Holly emailed me, offering help on the new website.  After checking out her online community for women, healing and feminist blogs, I could tell that she knew what she was doing, so I accepted her offer.  She added those cute little buttons so that you can now forward the show to your friends on myspace, facebook, stumble it, digg it, or post it on delicious.  Check out what she did at StirringUpTrouble.com.

IMG_1557.JPGHolly sent me an email telling me that the site was live and apologized for being out of communication for a bit.  She said that she’d been sleeping an unusual amount and felt groggy.  I, knowing some of her story of child sexual abuse, asked her if she was using sleep as a coping mechanism.  I suggested that she write about that on her healing blog and I would put it on the Survivor Manual since I am interested in sharing all things having to do with healing, wholeness and getting off the Trauma Train!

But the reasons for Holly’s unusual sleep patterns go much deeper than coping.  It turns out that Holly has Periodontal Disease, which is a gum disease that swells your gums up to the point where they become inflamed and hurt very badly.  Periodontal Disease releases toxins through your gums that you swallow all the time. The reason Holly has begun sleeping so much is because these toxins are beginning to get worse and are making her nauseous. I looked up Periodontal Disease and found that if it is left untreated it can lead to a seizure or a heart attack.  Recently Holly told me that she has been feeling electric-like surges throughout her face.

The reason I’m writing this is because this all began with child abuse.  When Holly was a young child, not only was her mother selling her to men for sexual favors to be able to afford her drug addiction, but Holly’s mother was also violent.  She pushed Holly into the street one day when Holly was about 3.  Holly fell, hit her face on a street curb, and all of her front teeth pushed into her gums.  She had to get them surgically removed.

Holly’s front teeth didn’t grow back in until she was around 8 and when they did, they grew in extremely crooked and her mouth produced more teeth than would fit.  Holly’s wisdom teeth are coming in now and one of them is all the way grown in and another that is growing in now.  Why am I telling you all of this?  Because Holly is uninsured and cannot afford to get any of this fixed.  She has tried getting on welfare, free clinics, and sliding scale clinics, and every time they either don’t have enough oral surgeons for all the help she needs or she makes too much or too little money.

I know what it’s like to not have insurance and not be able to pay for health care.  A few years ago I had such an intense asthma attack that my friend Aly rushed me to the hospital.  Because I was unable to breathe, I was rushed right into the emergency room.  It was after I was put onto a breathing machine and stabilized that I was brought all the paperwork to sign.  I began to cry when the nurse asked which insurance I had.  Not only was I not insured but there was no way I was able to pay for a hospital bill.  The nurse had seen my documentary and knew who I was.  She was an angel in my life and erased any trace of me in the hospital and I never received a bill.  She also provided me with some free inhalers before I left.  I don’t know what I would have done at the time if Aly and that nurse had not miraculously shown up.

I wouldn’t tell you about Holly if she wasn’t a warrior and a hero.  Just like people have helped me along the way, I am going to help Holly and I am asking for your help.  I’m asking that all of us pitch in and get Holly’s teeth fixed.  I realize that we’re in a financial crisis and because of that we are all going to need to bond together as a community more and more in the future.

The gist of Holly’s story is in an interview she did for her local newspaper in 2007 here : http://www.thetimes-tribune.com/articles/2007/01/08/top_local_stories/17682154.txt

If Holly doesn’t get the Periodontal Disease taken care of, she could die from a seizure or a heart attack because of all of the toxins her mouth produces.  If I had not had that angel for a nurse and the angel Aly Drummond, I would have died.  So I want to help pay my gratitude for life forward.  Healing Holly is not going to solve all of the problems in the world but it will be one amazing story with a happy ending that I personally really want to see. And I will throw a DANCE PARTY!!

IMG_2037.JPGPlease be one of Holly’s angels! The many procedures she needs are going to be very expensive so any amount helps.  If everyone who gets this gave a little something – we may save a life! The donations are gifts and not tax write-offs. If you or someone you know is part of a non-profit willing to collect and donate the money as well, please help.

Please go to paypal.com and send money to givelove@angelashelton.com or use this button:

voiceless.

•November 2, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Website for the logical mind

•October 28, 2008 • Leave a Comment

brainybrainy.com.

Best Seventeen Dollars Spent For Christmas?

•October 28, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Mediatations.

•October 27, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Alter Bridge:  ‘Watch Over You”

“Watch Over You”

Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love

I tried to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go

[Chorus:]
Who is gonna save you
When I’m gone?
And who’ll watch over you
When I’m gone?

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?

[Chorus]

And when I’m gone
Who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?

I can’t go on
And let you lose it all
It’s more than I can take
Who’ll ease your pain?
Ease your pain

[Chorus:]
And Love is gonna save you
When I’m gone.
And I’ll watch over you.
And I will give you strength
When you’re not strong.
Who’ll watch over you,
When I’ve gone away?

Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I’m long gone

My Blog: What I Want.

•October 20, 2008 • 1 Comment

Just because I love it.

And Amy Poehler is even pregnant at all?! I didn’t even know!

one two three

my name is sarah palin you all know me
vice president nominee of the gop
gonna need your vote in the next election
can i get a ‘what what’ from the senior section
mccain got experience, mccain got style
but don’t let him freak you out when he tries to smile
cause that smile be creepy
but when i be vp
all the leaders in the world gonna finally meet me

how’s it go eskimo
(eskimos)
tell me what you know eskimo
(eskimos)
how you feel eskimo
(ice cold)
tell me tell me what you feel eskimo
(super cold)

i’m jeremiah wright cause tonight i’m the preacha
i got a bookish look and you’re all hot for teacha
todd lookin fine on his snow machine
so hot boy gonna need a go between
in wasilla we just chill baby chilla
but when i see oil lets drill baby drill

my country tis a thee
from my porch i can see
russia and such

all the mavericks in the house put your hands up
all the mavericks in the house put your hands up
all the plumbers in the house pull your pants up
all the plumbers in the house pull your pants up

when i say ‘obama’ you say ‘ayers’
obama. (ayers) obama (ayers)
i built me a bridge – it ain’t goin’ nowhere.
(ohhh)

mccain, palin, gonna put the nail in the coffin
of the media elite
(she likes red meat)
shoot a mother-humpin moose, eight days of the week

[three gunshots]
now ya dead, now ya dead,
cause i’m an animal, and i’m bigger than you
holdin a shotgun walk in the pub
everybody party, we’re goin on a hunt
la la la la la la la la
[six gunshots]

yo i’m palin, i’m out!

Rice.

•October 17, 2008 • 1 Comment

Why when it comes to rice, do I ALWAYS make waay too much. Even when I follow the box, I still end up making too much!!

Revolving Door.

•October 11, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Sometimes my life feels like I am stuck in a revolving door.  Like today. I worked all day. Came home, ate some random food items I have since I have zero money until payday on Wednesday and can barely even feed myself at the moment. Watched a few random TV shows. Fell asleep for about 90 minutes. Now it’s nine-fifteen pm and I am going to bed. Why? Because I have to be back at work and on by 7:00AM tomorrow. Being able to work is a blessing, and I can’t complain about that.. but sometimes it just feels like I have very minimal to no life.  I am nearly thirty years old, and I am going to bed at 9:00PM on a Saturday night.

Sigh..