The Hard Work of Healing.

Why does it seem like the  moment I think I really need someone, there is no one there? Does that seem like a message from God, or what??

I came home tonight, with worries on my mind that had already crept in, to this Norman Rockwell-esque Christmas scene in the living room. Lights on the Christmas tree, stockings hung on an IKEA shelf, and  1940’s Christmas Classics playing out of the computer.

And yet, all I wanted to do was run away.  I was in no Norman Rockwell mood.

My heart longs for someone special tonight. So much.  But I have this anxiety, this fear.. that they don’t even know that.  Do they think to themselves? Maybe she misses me? Or, “I know that she loves me. I bet she would love a note from me”.

I feel so ignored and neglected by them. I wonder if they even think of me? Do they even know I feel so forgotten?  Not that it would be even right to tell them, or would it?

Logic and experience tells me to “Stay Connected”  “Reach Out When you Need it”. I know that is the path to wholeness. But without fail, it seems whenever I pick up the phone to do that “reaching out”—that is when the person doesn’t answer their phone, or bother to check their email. “Check in” they say, but are not there at the checkpoint.

Part of this I am prepared for. Since undertaking this intensive “at home therapy” one week ago, I was told to expect things like this to happen. Maybe even much worse.

I know it is the road less traveled.  I know that this is a process like getting your teeth sandblasted nad scrapped at the dentist. Nobody WANTS to do that stuff, but the cost is worth it in the end. It has to be done to be truly healthy.  Getting the crud and the shit out of you is not an easy process.  It has to hurt, it has to be uncomfortable, it can’t be easy, but it has to be done if you want to be better in the end.

The question always hangs in the air though, “Do I really want to be better?”  “Am I worth it?”  “Is my life worth it?”

I say: Yes.  But it is still so hard.

Kyrie Elesion.  Lord, carry me through.  I need You, I need you.

~ by psychologysarah on November 30, 2008.