Oh, Mother’s Day… how to organize my thoughts on this.
I guess you could say I always expect this day to be somewhat difficult. Too many feelings a little too close to the surface that I would rather suppress. Today was not so bad. It actually went pretty well.
It started out with church this morning. A beautiful service. An even better sermon on “Fear” from Romans and 1 John. The “beginning ice breaker” was a video montage (My church has an artsy, beautiful video for everything–it’s what we do) of children from the church saying what they love most about their moms, their favorite food that mom cooks. It was full of humor of course. I nearly cried at that.
What I thought was an unexpected but EXCELLENT addition to the service was taking a moment out to pray for those present where this day is a day of pain or difficulty. They didn’t give examples, but I know that this day can be a very painful day for women suffering through infertility. I know about a handful of my peers that have struggled with this to some degree. Or those that have lost treasured parents. I found myself thinking of parents that have lost children, and the person that all they think of is pain when they think of their mother. I don’t, actually, put myself in that latter group. I do remember snapshot moments of goodness with my mom. When we were whole.
Where my mind seemed to be parked at today in the service however…. was thoughts of last year. How 365 days ago, to the best of my knowledge, my child was alive. One year ago today, to this date, I was just weeks into the adjustment to reality that I would be having my own child by the end of 2010. I remember how my feelings were a mix of ecstatic and nervousness.
If I recall correctly , near this day last year, I had begun to experience some cramping and bleeding at work the previous days. I remember thinking there would be smoke coming out of my MacBook with the hundreds of pages I “Googled” on “pain and bleeding in early pregnancy”. Page after Page after page I looked at trying to educate and be and informed. Trying not to ask for help, but handle this in my own. Wondering if this was normal or if I should be worried. At one point at the urging of the baby’s father, I went to the emergency room. I realize, not the best choice, but I hadn’t even had a normal doctor’s appointment yet. All the emergency physician was able to do was confirm I was pregnant, but my “numbers” were low. Pretty low for where they should have been by that many weeks. But there is no set number there. I was told that “it wasn’t looking good”but the numbers would have to triple by the following week, most likely, for the pregnancy to be viable. I was also told not to stress out (that can’t help things) that bleeding and cramping may be normal for many in early pregnancy. I was given the name of a high risk obstetrician in the area to follow-up.
Long story short… things didn’t improve. On May 12th, on a hard cold, paper lined table at that specialist’s office, I learned my baby, my first, sweet, dear baby was not living. No heartbeat could be found.
..And that last sentence still labors my breath. The end. My motherhood ended barely after it began. I blinked and missed it.
Only about five people total even knew that I was ever pregnant at all. I would guess that four out of five of those people now wouldn’t even remember that fact. It was so short,There was no comforting afterwards, and no one asked me how I was coping, etc. Like it hadn’t even happened. But I know it was very real for me. Which makes things difficult. No one would ever guess the thoughts and feelings I would have about this on this day. The sermon I mentioned was about “Fear” and how there are no more commands in the Bible more than “Do not Fear”. There is no need. But somewhere deep in my soul I fear that was my only chance. There will never be another baby.
Now I have to deal with the ramifications of everything that changed my life. I have to admit, that pregnancy, as fleeting as it may have been changed so much for me this last year. That I know for sure. I have changed my feelings, and beliefs, and even my behaviors (CBT, anyone??) heavily due to this issue.
My Facebook feed today was over the top as usual. Feeds just running with status updates and comments about Mother’s Day and congratulating Friends on Mother’s Day. It appeared that even my coworkers went around to all our mutual coworkers and wished them a happy mother’s day.
I am just going to say it:When it comes to the issue of Mother’s Day, I feel like I’m looking into a glass window or box from outside. I can see everything happening, but I don’t experience any of it. It’s very one-dimensional. That’s about more than just my failed pregnancy. But also about my own broken relationship with my mother.
The positive parts of this day were that I did send several cards this year to women I respect and care about. I did nothing out of obligation, but just out of honoring the wonderful people they are.
I am looking forward to going back to our regularly scheduled lives and most importantly… Facebook feeds tomorrow.
