I’ve been meaning to blog for weeks now.
- I’ feel like I’ve been experiencing more anxiety and depression in the last month or two then I have in a very long time. This is itself is both discouraging and puzzling. I always feel somewhat “defeated” when I begin to wrestle with this condition, but here are some of the signs I know it’s back
- I am requiring greater amounts of caffeine just to feel “focused” and get through the day. Many costly Starbucks drinks;cases of Diet Coke. All outside my usual habits.
- Im feeling great physical anxiety in my body, to the point that several times since…May.. I’ve had to take tiny tiny tiny crumbs amount of old, old Xanax just to manage the physical tensions.
- I am feeling more affected. A few people in my life that are really just assholes, and don’t like me, and tend to talk shit about me to other people I know. I refuse to react in front of them, but internally I do feel it.
- My to-do list just gets longer and longer, despite having no more “busyness” than usual. It takes often days for me to cross of just one item. Fortunately, there is much drive and motivation to get to my job. I think my psyche is well acquainted with the fact that my job is my livelihood and how I survive. ( I also have a new job, which while not the job I wanted to get, is better in many ways from my last one).
This next point is a bit of a story.
About one week ago, I was cleaning my range on a Sunday afternoon. It beyond needed it. My range looked like the health department needed to visit.. but I digress.
I was finally getting it clean. Taking all the burners off, and returning the range to the white color it is. Understand that as just mentioned, I have been feeling more depressed than usual. And it wasn’t just occurring around my menstrual cycle. I went to take one of the burners off—and there is a reason they call it a ‘burner’. One of them was still really hot. But I didn’t realize this. So I grab it with that determined, “Im cleaning!” grab. Owie, Owie, Owie, Owie!!!!
But that’s not entirely how it went down.
I was completely aware within seconds that the adrenaline that surged when I touched that hot burner almost “boiled away” my depression. This is not a great sign.
Yes, it hurt. Yes, I had to soak my hand in ice water for a solid hour before I was okay. And yes, I am totally fine. But I think back to all I’ve read and know about intentional self-injury. The relief that it brings to people. The pain literally “feels good” due to the endorphins it releases. The natural “morphine” your body produces to protect you. I believe those people. That stuff is real. As a young teen and into my 20s I had an affection for body piercing as well. That was also the case. I think that was how I could keep piercing and re-piercing. It didn’t hurt as much as it felt good.
All this leads me to believe that my brain chemistry is just not functioning as well as it ought to be. Why would it take pain to feel better than you usually do? Like someone took a defibilator to my brain and jump started it for an hour.
I am starting to grow concerned that I will need to visit my physician regarding these issues soon. Back to that whole feeling of defeat again. The last time I saw my physician regarding these issues was January 2009. So I have felt like I’ve had a lot of victory. I’ve started eating healthy food, joined the gym, and started taking fish oil (which was suggested by my physician) and other vitamin and mineral supplements. For over 19 months, that’s been enough.
Which is why I start to argue with myself and beat myself up. What has changed, what is different now? What’s been working for nearly three years that’s not working now?
Then I start to wrestle with the feeling like my life is stagnant. I just mentioned I have a new professional role. That is the opposite of stagnant, right? That’s new. But I feel so often so behind my peers. Im never sure if it’s gratitude or patience I am lacking more. I never quite feel like I am moving into a new stage or phase.
Continued later..
