Category Archives: Authenticity

Stories From The 80s. Parenting thru the Generations.

 

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**everyone’s real name has been changed. 

Social media brings up a lot of feelings for me lately. I have to constantly remind myself that for most people, social media is showing their “best side”.  Even sometimes for me.

 

I hesitate to even share this story because the immediate reaction can be, “What does this have to do with your life?  Mind your own business. “ I want to point some things out, and some differences that I process between my life, and other people’s life. I feel like I am processing good thoughts and good concepts. It is the things like this that I ruminate about.  Maybe not what I ruminate the most about, but it does bother me! And I bet other people wrestle with similar concepts.

My mom has had a best friend for just about 30 years. Its been a very awesome and interesting journey, and I say that only as the observer along for the ride. I think most people  want a friend like Sue for more than half your life.   In the course of 30 years, the friend we will call “Sue” was our neighbor, not once, but twice!    That’s right. In two different neighborhoods. In the first neighborhood,  Sue lived across the street at the end of the block. If you squinted, you could see each others houses.   I would believe my mom and Sue were fast friends because they had kids the same age.  Sue has a daughter  about two  years older than me, I am one month older than Sue’s  son, (uh, we’re the same age, same grade in school—same class in 5th grade!); and she would have a daughter with a new relationship in 1987.

That youngest daughter is who this post is going to focus on, But after some down –memory-lane backstory.  Prepare to go back in time to the 1980’s.

Sue had a husband named Dan. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember him at all. All I remember are the stories  about Dan. Also,  thanks to “throwback Thursdays” on social media.   If it’s not obvious yet, Dan passed away as a very young man. More on that in a moment.

 

The circumstances surrounding Dan’s death are cloudy at best for me. Mostly because I was no more than five years old.  But that part is verified, because there is a photo of me opening a birthday gift at our house, with Sue’s kids looking on.  I remember a comment that was made so very long ago.  “That was JUST after IT happened”.

You’ll notice that,I don’t know if it was my specific parenting, or this baby-boomer generation but WE WILL NOT DEFINE ANY TERMS.  JUST BE AS VAGUE AS POSSIBLE.

I am not convinced it wasn’t a suicide, but my mother was aghast when I even suggested that.

How it came be is the big mystery. From what I’ve been told  Dan had a known medical condition.  Kind of like narcolepsy, but maybe it wasn’t.  One night, Dan came home late.  Whether it was a night of working late, or a night out with the guys– I don’t know. Probably around midnight.  Dan pulls into he garage of their home. He has an “episode” perhaps, and falls asleep in the car.  But the car is still running.  AND, he closed the garage amidst all of it.

I tend to think “passed out drunk, but closed the garage first” but that’s just me.  Tragic no matter what the circumstance.

Sue found him early the next morning.  I think they both were no more than 30 years old. Two children left behind, 6 and 4.

That’s how Sue and my mom became close. Sue started spending lots of time, as she would say, “on your couch in your family room”.  The miraculous part for me is that Dan must have had quite the life insurance policy, because Sue didn’t ever work until sometime in the mid 90s.  Dan died in the mid 80s!  So she essentially was a stay-at-home mom, even though her husband had died.  Someday I will need to ask her more about that situation, because that blows my mind. As the s

I had a father that traveled for a living.  From the time I was born, til the time I left home. The pattern was he would leave on Sunday, and return Thursday night.  That’ another post for another time. But as the story goes, Sue says when my dad would finally get home, we would flash a look like, “You Again? ”   I kind of get it.  Find something else to do.  But that’s all they did. Kids had constant playmates, and mom’s sat and drank Tab and watched Oprah.

Just imagine being 30 and widowed?  I am sure the loneliness feels like it will kill you.

So my mom and Pam became what we call, “The Single Mom’s Club”. This played out in a memory that I we always laugh about when we talk with Sue.  There was a diner/chain restaurant in town (that doesn’t exist anymore, sadly, but just a Denny’s type place) that had Kids Eat Free on Tuesday nights.  So, Mom, Sue, and another single mom that was a friend of Sue’s packed up all the kids, got a huge booth, and they COPED.  Kids ran around, hit each other with balloon animals, and the mom’s just talked.  I am sure there was complaining. There was definitely laughter.  But it was a tradition, and I remember it fondly.  Our families were each other’s tribe.   They were there for the good and the bad. Now that I am an adult, I understand that it is not easy to raise multiple kids without someone to “take a shift” every now and then.

I am happy that Sue is still “in my life” via social media, and I try to visit her when I go back to my hometown. I feel privileged that she can say. “I’ve known you forever”.

Sue, being barely 30, of course hit the bar and dating scene after Dan’s death. Sometimes she brought my mom with her when a babysitter was retained.   Sue met her new husband and they married around 1986.

Sue and *Bill had a daughter together the next year.  We’ll call her LEAH.  And Leah, I have a  bone to pick with today.

Leah is now.. what, 28 years old? Something like that.  Well into adulthood.  I only remember Leah like as a pre-schooler.  I left home relatively young. So I remember her not much older than elementary age. Leah has had a bit of a tragic story herself.  Leah met a guy, and they fell in “looove”. And wouldn’t you know it, Leah gets pregnant like 30 seconds later.  A few months before the baby is born, Leah and the baby’s father get married.

All is well, right?  Nope.

Now you want to talk about sketchy details.. I think this set are sketchy because no one really wants to talk about this story.  It’s quick to be swept under the rug..   But I guess from the very SECOND Leah married this guy, he SNAPPED.   My interpretation.   The word that was described to me was “controlling”.   But controlling moved in the next breath to “No Contact Orders”. I don’t recall ever hearing about any physical violence, or anything that would be OBVIOUSLY dangerous, but at some point a judge agreed.

But things must have progressed rapidly, because soon after, he had no visitation and no contact with the baby either. He has a court order for child support, but no visitation or contact.  He is the baby’s father by check and last name only.

So Leah obvoiously moved home. With a newborn. It makes sense. She needed a safe place to shelter and to raise a newborn. In the meantime, Sue and Bill both love their grandson. They love all the hands-on.

But I would think— and here comes my RUMINATING— that there would be some rough plan in place. A rough timeline.  Stay for a year or two. Get on your feet.  She had just been accepted to a 4 year university when she got pregnant. She told me she was moving to the dorms. When I heard she was pregnant, my thought was, “Well,I guess moving away to school is out!”

Okay. Here we go.  Leah is now 28, and her son is going into 2nd grade. He’s 8 years old.  Leah, still living in her childhood home, a 2 blocks from my own childhood home.

“So who cares Sarah? Whats the problem?!”  JUST WAIT.

Leah is a bartender so she works until 2 or 3 am. That means that Sue and Bill put her son to bed EVERY night. I tried to stop by and visit with Sue when I was in town last spring.  She said only had a 2 hour window. She had to drop her grandson off at afternoon-half-day-kindergarten; she had to run an errand, and she had to be back to pick the boy up in like 2 hours.  (W.

 

But here’s what’s really been bugging me. Obviousy, Bill, Sue,and Leah have some tension.  Sue told me that “If it wasn’t for [child], Leah would be gone.”  She said that when Leah is home  on a rare night, she will ask her mother, “When was the last time he had a bath?”  Sue takes offense at this. As if she is eluding to the fact her mother is neglecting her grandchild.

Sue rightly tells her, “Look, if you think he needs bathing, then give him a bath.”

I agree.  DUH!

I guess there was also an incident where one night Leah went out on a date with a “new” boyfriend.  Her parents were not opposed to babysitting so she could go out. Of course, my thought is I am sure they have hopes that she will find another stable and lasting relationship.   They appear supportive.

This particular night though, the child was throwing up. Unexpectedly. As kids tend to do.  Sue texts Leah:

“He is throwing up. I need you to come home.”

Reasonable, right?   Leah texted back, that she was on her way, and would be home soon.

Sue said two hours later, still no Leah. So, she texts her again, “I really need you to come home and help me with this”.

Well.  The response? “You fucking bitch!  Don’t you know I am out on a date?  I said I am on my way as soon as I can”. 

This is where I fainted.

This is one issue where my mother and I are in agreement. “She’d be out of my house”. 

I can’t even believe that. Which is why I am writing about it.

In my experience, I was told in the EIGHTH GRADE, very vaguely, because obviously we can’t have frank conversations…  about sex.    But it was not, “One part goes into another part, and thats how a baby is made”.  SCHOOL teaches that. (and the playground).  We pay people to talk about that!

My conversation consisted of, “I Don’t Want You Doing It.  But IF YOU DO, and SOMETHING HAPPENS (happens being the wild-card word, I guess?  Fill in the blank??)  Then HAVE A PLAN TO DEAL WITH IT .  ”   The End. Very informative.

Proclamation at the end: “I’ve had MY Kids!”

There would be NO babies living in our home.  At any age.  Visit:  Yes.  Reside:  HELL NO.

“Sarah, I am lost. Where in heaven are you going with this story, it started out with something about’ ‘social media’ and “our best side’.  Wrap it up.  Jimmy Fallon is almost on… ” 

Just this last week, I pulled up some social media where Sue was sharing photos.  Leah was in Oregon; mind you about 1,800 miles or so from her home with her new boyfriend.  Sue was tickled to share all the nice photos of lush, green Oregon and all the hikes Leah was taking.

Well, I couldn’t resist. COMMENT!  “Are you babysitting, Grandma?”

“Yes,I am.”

Okay, so I AM NOT saying that a single mom shouldn’t have time to herself, or take a girls trip, or a trip away with a significant other.  Women are more than Mothers, and they have other sides to their lives to nourish.

But “you fucking bitch?”  and she stays home and takes care of your kid full-time while you’re off on vacation? I don’t know if that’s OWED to you.

I do think Leah needs to grow up already. I understand if you can’t afford an apartment. Although bartenders make pretty good tips!  GET A ROOMMATE OR TWO OR THREE. Do you know how many years I lived in relative boarding houses because I couldn’t afford a place of my own?  Here’s a clue: I was 31 when I got my OWN place!  Give your parents some peace.

 

That’s this :”unconditional love ” thing that Sue REALLY seems to get.  Maybe my mom… not so much.  Because go back to her “sex talk” with me:   What that’s really saying is, “I will only love you, if you obey what I say.”  To this day, if I would ask her, “hey, what if I had gotten pregnant at 15… what would you have done?”  Without hesitation, she said, “You would have been sent away.  To the ‘Unwed Mothers Home”, (DOESNT EXIST) , Foster Care, You would not have been in my home.”

So after all this, HOW ARE YOUR MOTHER AND SUE THE BEST OF FRIENDS??   My mom is like the head-cheerleader of Retirement Life.  or as I refer to it, “Second adolescence.”

My answer:  Who the hell knows!  They are VERY different in how it comes to child rearing.  Mom mom’s opinion is that Sue “has a need to be needed”.  She has shared with me that “Sue’s mother was schizophrenic, and was hospitalized for most of her youth (think the 60s  era of  long-term, months of hospitalization). She is used to taking care of everyone.” 

While Sue was our neighbor in two different neighborhoods (only separated from 1988-1992 .Then Sue and Bill bought a home in our neighborhood, again!) The women are now separated by more than 1,000 miles.  They have a set appointment phone-date every Monday. They talk about soap-operas, TV shows and movies, politics,and everything in between.  Mom says that they RARELY talk about our kids.  She said that “occasionally something will come up where we will talk about you guys, but we don’t call to talk about kids. We talk about fun things.  But I have told Sue when she complains about Leah, that “I just never would tolerate what you do”

And that’s adorable.  I wish I had a phone date  once a week, with ANYONE!  Hashtag jealous.  And they really are, the BEST of Friends. It’s a pleasure to have been a part of,and to even watch them interact on Facebook.  They have a sisterhood.

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The Weight of Your Soul: What Do I Believe?

In Part II of this series, I will examine more of what I am processing and learning while experiencing this chapter of my life.

Finding Balance 

Today, I woke up and decided I would workout before eating breakfast. I am not sure I’ve ever done that before.  However, many people I’ve known in life do this as a daily discipline. I had also read recently that its beneficial to work out before breakfast, as your body burns more fat this way.  I was able to bike six-and-a-half miles this morning.  This fact, I found interesting. Two other evenings this week, and I was able to bike eight and nine miles . Maybe I have more energy in the evening?  Maybe because I haven’t had any fuel yet for the day, I have less energy? That would seem to make sense.

I finished my workout, and quickly came home to make breakfast. I tried some different foods this morning. Again, I intended to eat slowly and enjoy this breakfast, but yet again, it was like as if I had starved for a full week.  I honestly had wanted to put a photo of my “Healthy breakfast” on Instagram, but it was gone before I could give it another thought.   So then the thought came to me, “I miss eating till I am satisfied.”  I really do.  I get great enjoyment out of big cups of Starbucks coffee, sitting on my couch, and enjoying the morning news or some Hulu Plus.

 

Since I have declared war (and I am calling it that) on this physical issue, I am truly eating for sustenance and that is it. And that’s how it needs to be for now.

 

Anyway, last time I mentioned my friend Katie, whose career is primarily walking with people who have actual eating disorders and other mental health concerns.  Katie is amazing.  She is getting to be “quite the online celebrity” with her presence on social media channels. Her passion in life, her mission and vision statement is “Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness by forming Healthy Communities.”  Katie believes that nothing is out of reach, and there isn’t anything that can’t be learned about or discussed.

Anyway, I briefly reached out to her recently, and since then I have delved really deep into her website and the products she has created for social media.  While this may not be a technique that is originally Katie, she says a common technique that therapists use when dealing with an eating disorder client is to ask this questions:

 

“What Does It Mean to Be Fat?” 

The client is then asked to come up with a list of words or phrases that they think of.

Fat means I am Lazy” 

“Fat means I am ugly” 

“Fat means I am unlovable” 

“Fat makes you unattractive” 

“Fat means I am stupid” 

“That person has no motivation and no self-will” 

I’ll add a few more that are a bit more personalized:  “Fat means you are undisciplined.”.  ” You are irresponsible” (having to do with the Christian principle of ‘good stewardship”. )

Do any of these concepts have anything to do with your size?  But I GET IT.  I feel am feeling most to all of these things. Where does all this crap come from?  And its so common!   How do we go from, “I’m struggling with my weight, to I am not productive?  Or that someone couldn’t love me for WHO I AM, not WHAT I LOOK LIKE?

Katie suggests that a person that is struggling writes a love-letter to themselves.  She said “As bad as you could be feeling, everybody likes SOMETHING about themselves.”  Which is true. This issue is taking about 60% of my headspace and my time right now, but I am not completely useless. There are good things about me.

“Okay, so I have gained lots of weight. But I am truly a content specialist in my career. People depend on you every day.  I am funny, I am thoughtful, I am loving, and I am open.  You can talk with me about anything. No topic is off-limits in general (although it might be with certain people that can’t handle brutal honesty). I am the worlds-greatest-aunt to six amazing children. People adore you.  You find value in every person you meet”.  

Around the time of lunch today, I came to the realization that true hunger on some level feels like I am dying to my mind. Maybe this is instinctual. Maybe we are wired as humans to feel this way.  I took a phone call this morning where I lamented that “I never feel satisfied anymore”.  I made a decision that I would eat a HEALTHY lunch where I would eat till I felt satisfied.  It felt like a big moment. I actually made a plate of choices.  A fruit, an avocado, some raw carrots, and hummus.  The goal was not to eat everything I put in front of me, and I didn’t.  I only chose two items (three if you count the humus, but thats not going to be eaten solo!)

My dietician asked me to “be thinking about balance” this next week.  Balance for me, will be about NOT making every day about staying under 1200 calories.  It sure is getting a lot of attention.

 

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Mother’s Day

Oh, Mother’s Day…  how to organize my thoughts on this.

I guess you could say I always expect this day to be somewhat difficult.  Too many feelings a little too close to the surface that I would rather suppress. Today was not so bad. It actually went pretty well.

It started out with church this morning. A beautiful service. An even better sermon on “Fear” from Romans and 1 John. The “beginning ice breaker” was a video montage (My church has an artsy, beautiful video for everything–it’s what we do) of children from the church saying what they love most about their moms, their favorite food that mom cooks. It was full of humor of course. I nearly cried at that.

What I thought was an unexpected but EXCELLENT addition to the service was taking a moment out to pray for those present where this day is a day of pain or difficulty. They didn’t give examples, but I know that this day can be a very painful day for women suffering through infertility. I know about a handful of my peers that have struggled with this to some degree. Or those that have lost treasured parents.  I found myself thinking of parents that have lost children, and the person that all they think of is pain when they think of their mother. I don’t, actually, put myself in that latter group. I do remember snapshot moments of goodness with my mom. When we were whole.

Where my mind seemed to be parked at today in the service however…. was thoughts of last year. How 365 days ago, to the best of my knowledge, my child was alive. One year ago today, to this date, I was just weeks into the adjustment to reality that I would be having my own child by the end of 2010.  I remember how my feelings were a mix of ecstatic and nervousness.

If I recall correctly  , near this day last year, I had begun to experience some cramping and bleeding at work the previous days. I remember thinking there would be smoke coming out of my MacBook with the hundreds of pages I “Googled” on “pain and bleeding in early pregnancy”. Page after Page after page I looked at trying to educate and be and informed. Trying not to ask for help, but handle this in my own.  Wondering if this was normal or if I should be  worried.  At one point at the urging of the baby’s father, I went to the emergency room. I realize, not the best choice, but I hadn’t even had a normal doctor’s appointment yet.  All the emergency physician was able to do was confirm  I was pregnant, but my “numbers” were low. Pretty low for where they should have been by that many weeks. But there is no set number there. I was told that “it wasn’t looking good”but the numbers would have to triple by the following week, most likely, for the pregnancy to be viable. I was also told not to stress out (that can’t help things) that bleeding and cramping may be normal for many in early pregnancy. I was given the name of a high risk obstetrician in the area to follow-up.

Long story short… things didn’t improve. On May 12th, on a hard cold, paper lined table at that specialist’s office, I learned my baby, my first, sweet, dear baby  was not living. No heartbeat could be found.

..And that last sentence still labors my breath.  The end. My motherhood ended barely after it began. I blinked and missed it.

Only about five people total even knew that I was ever pregnant at all. I would guess that four out of five of those people now wouldn’t even remember that fact. It was so short,There was no comforting afterwards, and no one asked me how I was coping, etc.  Like it hadn’t even happened.  But I know it was very real for me. Which makes things difficult. No one would ever guess the thoughts and feelings I would have about this on this day. The sermon I mentioned was about “Fear” and how there are no more commands in the Bible more than “Do not Fear”. There is no need. But somewhere deep in my soul I fear that was my only chance. There will never be another baby.

Now I have to deal with the ramifications of everything that changed my life. I have to admit, that pregnancy, as fleeting as it may have been changed so much for me this last year. That I know for sure. I have changed my feelings, and beliefs, and even my behaviors (CBT, anyone??) heavily due to this issue.

My Facebook feed today was over the top as usual. Feeds just running with status updates and comments about Mother’s Day and congratulating Friends on Mother’s Day. It appeared that even my coworkers went around to all our mutual coworkers and wished them a happy mother’s day.

I am just going to say it:When it comes to the issue of Mother’s Day, I feel like I’m looking into a glass window or box from outside. I can see everything happening, but I don’t experience any of it. It’s very one-dimensional. That’s about more than just my failed pregnancy. But also about my own broken relationship with my mother.

The positive parts of this day were that I did send several cards this year to women I respect and care about. I did nothing out of obligation, but just out of honoring the wonderful people they are.

I am looking forward to going back to our regularly scheduled lives and most importantly… Facebook feeds tomorrow.

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Filed under Authenticity, Christianity, Family, Holidays, Life

What I Want You To Know: Incest Left Me Abandoned

On a popular blog I frequent, the conversation often turns to orphaned and abandoned children. What I want people to know is I consider myself both orphaned and abandoned. This is not to minimize those that have been abandoned or are truly orphaned by tragedy. But it is true that incest took away the only family I ever knew. While many survivors are left with a “non-offending parent” or other relative to care for them, every relative from my own mother, to my grandparents, to my aunts and uncles chose to turn away and not believe me. While my biological mother was not my abuser, she accused me of “stealing her man” and ruining her family. She cut me out of her life, unless I would recant my story and say it never happened. I wish people understood more that I can’t just “reconcile” with my biological parents. It’s not safe physically or psychologically for me to do so. Not only was I victimized before I became a legal adult, but when I tried to “bury the hatchet”and “put it behind me” I was attacked again at 22 years old. Incest took away my family. Now as a 30 year old, I wish people knew that I feel rootless in my life.I feel like I have no “soft place to fall” as people say when they think of “family”and “home”.

Holidays are some of the worst. Despite the many people I know and interact with, most knowing my situation, I have almost never gotten an invitation to a holiday. On some level I even understand that. Nobody really wants an outsider at their table. Family is intimate. And there’ that whole appropriate boundaries thing. This is one reason I’ve chosen a career that forces me to work on holidays, so I can keep busy and try not to think about it. It is hard for me to admit that at my age that I desperately want a family. I miss being told “I love you”, or getting a regular hug. That phone call at the end of a long hard day of “how was your day?” Looking forward to going “home” for a college break or holiday. I desperately want that place to belong.To know that someone is waiting for me somewhere.

As I look to the future of starting my own family, I grieve that I will not have grandparents for my children. But I also want them to have a sense of family too. I want my child(ren) to have aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. Sometimes I fantasize about who will play “adopted family” roles. However, will those people agree to fill that role? In dating relationships, I fear that the issue of “family” and my past will come up. Why I moved to one of the biggest cities in the US as a teenager, where I knew not a soul is already a complicated conversation. “How did you just wind up here?”” they ask. Forget about the “When do I meet your parents?” question. I expect my wedding looking very different from the traditional big family ceremony that they have in the movies.

Family is who you choose it to be. At least I believe this. I feel like people are still much too hyper-focused on needing to be related by blood and legal relationships.I know that my experiences have shaped who I am. Everyone that knows me understands I have an open door policy if we have a relationship. If you need food, I will feed you. If you are about to be homeless, as long as I have a roof over my head, I will be sure you are not on the streets. I think of it as treating others as I’ve hoped to be treated. To me, it is what Jesus would do.

People of faith need to understand that “forgiveness” is not the band-aid or the clean slate to start over. Recently I was told, “It’s never too late to try again” in regard to a relationship with my mother. I have learned to believe that God does not want to see me be hurt. This is sometimes a daily affirmation that I have to say in the mirror Stuart Smalley style. I can love and honor her better at a distance then standing before her. Forgiveness is accepting that in her current state of brokenness, she cannot love, believe, protect me like she should have. It’s not that she acting maliciously, she is simply not capable with her heart and soul in the state that it has been. I am not the enemy.

What I want you to know is when people say, “I don’t have any family” perhaps think of how hard it is for them to say that. What deep pain led to that? There might be fear that you might assume they are perfectly happy being a “lone ranger”, or judge them in some way. Instead, say, “I understand. Is there perhaps anything I can do for you?” I do not want anyone feeling sorry for me. My circumstances have made me the strong, brave woman who I am But I do want you to know that you can help ease the pain.

That a person can be 30 years old and still want to be part of a family.

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Filed under Authenticity, Family, Holidays, Relationships, Therapy

New Thoughts & New Beginnings

So, I’ve abandoned this blog for about two and a half years.Much has happened since then. And just the same, things I’ve waited to  change any moment haven’t changed at all. I’ve recently had many thoughts and I am seeking an outlet. Blogging unfortunately has been mostly forgotten by everyone due to this little website called Facebook. Those that blog now are known as bloggers. They get sponsored to go to fancy themed conferences. They are also sent new products for review on the blog whose readership is in the thousands per day. Those that in many ways begin to cater their content to their readers, and to what topics get the most readers. Alternatively, what posts drive down the readership they seem to cut down on.

Anyway. I feel like I have much to say. But don’t know how much courage I’ll have to put things here. Even though Im sure hardly anyone will see this.

So, Im thirty now. This has been a big milestone for me for many reasons. Part of me doesn’t really believe Im 30 yet. It doesn’t help that I physically look only as old as 22 or 23 as said by most people. I realize that it’s probably going to be a good thing in 5-10 more years.  But I have always felt like people don’t take me seriously because I appear to be so young. I find myself frustrated much of the time that I get the “So, are you still in School?” question.

Now  I know it’s not a big deal. No. Im not in school. I’ve been out for 5 years. But what people do assume about me is that I living with my parents (whatever!), people are paying my way, that I really don’t have real-life anxieties and big things to be concerned about.

Just today, I was scrolling through Facebook on my way out to my car (iPhone! 🙂 Didn’t have one of those the last time I blogged!) I noticed that today, two of my Facebook friends announced they had closed escrow on their homes. Of course I am happy for them. One of them is a single mother of a pre-schooler whose husband an affair for several years with the wife’s closest friends. She is now thousands of miles away from him raising the child alone, working a professional job and raising a boy. She deserves this house!

The other is a married couple that recently moved out of California and in the last 2 years put down twenty-two offers AT ASKING PRICE OR ABOVE and were outbid by investors.

But what I’m really thinking/feeling is, “What is wrong with me? Why are some of these people YOUNGER than me, and have these things? Really, is there something wrong with me that I don’t have these things yet?  

I really had envisioned a much different script for my life. I have to keep in check how often I think about whether I made a rogue left-turn in life somewhere.  Even though my mind pretty knows pretty confidently, my heart has more trouble getting on board with the fact that God has this all figured out already. I don’t need to stress about it.

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Filed under Authenticity, God, Life, Things-I-Don't-Understand

24 Hours?

When you essentially woke up at 330AM today like I did, evidently at 1:20PM, 3:30PM, 5:00PM, 5:45PM, 7:00OM, and at 8:10PM you wonder why it’s not at least midnight… forget more like 3AM, or 4AM…  It’s so fucking early!  Why does it feel like this day won’t end?!

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Filed under Authenticity, Current-Events, Life, random, rants

Random Thoughts & “YES YOU CAN!”

 

  • I’ve been meaning to blog an essay for months now about radio, Top 40 Hits, and the apparent obsession with oral sex. At least once a day I am reminded to rant on this… but I can only claim laziness for not having done so.
  • I just got done cleaning with Pine Sol®™. It brings back memories of my home growing up. It’s obvious that the pine scent makes olfactory connections in my mind to thoughts of cleanliness. Of course, I am not sure this is a good thing or a bad thing, but despite all that it was, and all that it lacked.. my house was consistently and dependably clean.  Thanks to our housekeepers, of course.
  • I have been meaning to sit down and read “The Shack” by William P. Young since I got up this morning. I have yet to start. 
  • I cooked breakfast and dinner for myself today. Yes, actually chopping, barbecuing, boiling, tossing and sautee’ing etc. I really enjoy this cooking thing.. but damn do I have to shop a lot!
  • I really feel better about myself and my health that I am cooking for myself and feeding myself well. This is a good thing.  
  • In contrast, my roommate told me she ate five potato-chips for dinner the other night. Otherwise, the only other thing i see her eat are peanut-butter sandwiches day after day after day.  I’ve been trying to have the conversation that Angela had with me about “loving yourself and feeding yourself well”, but I think it’s having trouble getting through.  If Angela saw the way she ate, she might think that my roommate is certainly going to die soon.
  • Also due in part to Angela’s coaching, I noticed tonight just how much I have nearly stopped eating canned food. Canned food is said not to be good for you, and you should never eat anything you can’t pronounce. I am eating mostly fresh food, and frozen vegetables that are frozen in their peak season.
  • Speaking of eating well…. I am very very tempted to go across the street and get some Krispy Kreme donuts….
  • Yesterday, I made two couple’s dreams come true by handing out “Just Married” buttons for them to wear. They were excited to tell me that they had not visited us in eighteen years.. but they had just married (both couples) and decided to celebrate with us.  The look of joy on their face when I offered that to them. It occurred to me that our “Just Married” buttons feature a classic fairy-tale couple.  Due to the fact that these two couples were all males in gender, I wondered if that might make them uncomfortable, or worse if it might offend them.  But the look of joy in their faces was priceless. “After all of these years.. finally getting married…”  It makes me aware of the negative voices and opinions in my head that would say I shouldn’t be feeling so joyful and full of pride for my newlywed Guests.  But I was!  I was feeling pretty damn proud at that moment, not to mention doing my job to the peak of what is expected.  I will let God be the judge of them. I will not be the one to determine whether their lifestyle is right or not.  

It just so happens that I will be making more dreams come true in 2009.  FINALLY, I will be able to give one of my biggest complaints an affirmative and hopefully appeasing answer!  

“But it’s my birthday, Can’t I go in for free?”

“What Can You Celebrate?”  is the marketing campaign kicking off in 2009 announced by our President on Thursday afternoon.  The focus is center’s on the popularity of “Destination Events”.  Destination weddings, graduations, birthdays, anniversaries, honeymoon’s and family reunions are just the start. We want to be there with you to celebrate the happiest moments in your life.

Now, about that free admittance on your birthday:  EXPECT PLENTY OF FINE PRINT. Of which I will give an overview of now.  NUMBER ONE: IT MUST BE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.  You can not come the day before, the day after, the next week, the end of the month, or the following month and expect to claim this promotional. NUMBER TWO: Valid ID will be required to prove date of birth.  A passport, a driver’s license, a birth certificate.  

But Sarah, my CHILD isn’t going to have an ID… how are you going to prove it’s THEIR birthday??  

AHEM, I SAID WE WILL BE EXPECTING TO SEE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE.  Parents with young-children aren’t that unaccustomed to having a birth certificate. Any child that travels on a plane typically needs one. Particularly if they are big, and trying to fly for free like my nephew was! 

NUMBER 3. YOU HAVE TO REGISTER for the promotion.  Either online at our official website, or by coming to us and giving us your information including your birth-date.  YOU MUST BE REGISTERED.  

But finally I can say YES. YOU CAN GO FREE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY******

 

….with plenty of restrictions and terms….  

Don’t say we never gave you anything!

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Filed under Announcement, Authenticity, Birthday, Current-Events, Life, Nerdy-stuff, work