Category Archives: Things-I-Don’t-Understand

Just Write– Second Edition

Oh look, here I am again. It must be important.

And it is.

I have at least a few thoughts tonights topic.

I am here to announce OPERATION LOSE 20lbs, or ‘Let’s Get This Fat Ass In Shape 2011″.

I know I’ve added on the pounds for a while. Slowly creeping up since sometime in 2009. I suddenly needed a bigger size  pair of jeans one day. And then there was…. well, then there was a little life incident in 2010..  Now, there wasn’t a ton of weight added there, it was mostly like being bloated.  And needless to say,  it was so fleeting. But the scale didn’t really go down after that either.  I recall beginning a committed lifestyle plan a month or two after that. A good friend had shown me two different apps for the iPhone where you can track your calories and food, and add in your fitness.  I know I was feeling heavy, but that was probably more my heart and soul then my body. My employer helps to subsidize a local gym membership as part of their benefits package. So I jumped on board with that. Besides, working out has great benefits other than just losing pounds and inches.  It helps ease stress, depression, helps you sleep better. Hey wait… all of those benefits could help me out!  Sign me up!

I have a theory about why I’ve been slowly packing on the pounds since about that time. I didn’t gain or lose more than 5 pounds from the age of 17-27. For a few years in high-school and college,I was an octo-lacto vegetarian. This was less about PETA and love the animals, and more about being able to control what would and would not go into my mouth.  Because I had really no control over any other area of my life at that time. MAJOR SERIOUS ISSUES. But thank God I was never bulimic or anorexic at that time as those are horrible diseases that are barely escapable.  And you know, “Heroin Chic” with Kate Moss as the spokeswoman was really in, and Kate Moss made heroin look really cool. And recreational. Also, she was super skinny. Anyway, around 2009, I stopped taking medications that I had taken for years earlier. Most with a stimulating effect. Some people gain tons of weight on medication, and a few lose. I only briefly lost weight on a really awesome off-label medication, but I think it helped to maintain my lower weight

I was super committed with the gym  for a while. I was going 3-5 times a week. Getting in the pool, swimming laps, climbing the stairs, and doing a lot of cycling.  Also really enjoying the heat sauna afterwards. You’re probably thinking,

You paid to go sit in a heat sauna? Why don’t you sit on your bed at home in the dead of the summer.. or on random days in mid October… same diff?

And to that I would say—TOUCHE. But it’s different…The sauna is relaxing. And it smells like cedar.

But I digress..

So I went for a while. I made excellent workout playlists on my iPod, I found the days/hours  when the gym is empty. I even tried a few gyms in different neighborhoods until I found my favorite . But then in October 2010 I took a promotion at work. A promotion that kicked my ass for about the first four months. Those first three months I didn’t know which end was up by the end of the day. I would slump into the seat of the shuttle each day that drove to the parking lot and try to recover for the next day.  Good friends of mine had a relationship trauma at this time as well, and I was on the front lines of helping both process what the hell was going on.

What am I saying here? My gym membership and I are not exactly BFF. I don’t have a lot of endurance. There is a bit of preparation that goes into going to the gym. You need the gym bag, the lock, the water, the emergency snack for later.. As far as I am concerned, you need to pack a carry-on for one session. And when it comes to endurance, I would go, workout for 30-45 minutes, and then feel tired. I would try to push myself thru it and keep going, but I could only cycle thru that so many times. Many of my friends also have memberships to the same gym, but no one can ever go at the same time. Or in the case of someone in my life right now, the moment you get the workout inspiration seriously, they are done with that phase, and are no longer working out. Or let their membership expire.  Awesome.

And so this fitness company has gotten some substantial automatic funds from me this past year for not a lot of gain  no gain on my end. Or maybe TWENTY POUNDS OF GAIN.

The last few months, I have been bummed out with how I am looking in the mirror. And I don’t mean my face. I mean this belly I see in the mirror. Several times I’ve gone to zip my pants when getting ready for work to find they just aren’t going to coöperate. It’s a little less than sexy.  I’ve known I should be doing something about it. On a couple of occasions now people have asked me if I am expecting. Which, at my age, is more affecting then funny.  But it’s easier to laugh and just keep it light. I admit that somewhere not quite at the surface, I would be cool with gaining some extra  pounds if it meant that a healthy little bean was swimming around inside. I would wear it like a badge of honor.

Fast forward to this week.  I got a biometric screening done. TWENTY POUNDS OVER WEIGHT. Not only that, a BMI that is in the Fair/Poor rating category.  What the….what?!

Excuse me? I am an “A” student. I don’t get Fair/Poor ratings!

So let’s talk about my diet.“Well, what are you eating? Are you eating healthy? Are you eating crap everyday? Maybe that’s why you’re fat!” 

This is where I get really pissed.

I work really HARD to eat healthy. I believe in it passionately. My grocery bills are bigger than yours—I promise (assuming you are single and buying for one).  Every time I get my grocery total—EVERY TIME— I think to myself. “Man, these grocery bills are getting ridiculous..”   I make weekly visits, even. Because nearly all the food I purchase is fresh.  I quickly stifle my economic worry by reminding myself that I pack lunch every day for work. I rarely eat out unless I am starving and not home, or it’s a social occasion.  And I am buying HEALTHY FOOD. Mostly raw food as well. Tons of vegetables, yogurt, some leaner proteins—I eat a lot  often eat fish actually as my physician calls it brain healthy food.

But most recently I have discovered raw vegan green smoothies. Which are basically some kiwis, and a bunch of green veggies (brocooli, celery,kale, parsley, wheat grass, barley grass and green algae).  I try to have one every morning, because I find that I feel better during the day after I have one. More alertness or energy or something. I think I could even characterize my diet as like 20% vegan. I voluntarily consume a lot of vegan products, not because their vegan, but just because they are the choices I am making.

But I don’t have the patience or the time, or the resources to be completely vegan. I know a 20-somthing that is getting FOOD STAMPS to subsidize her vegan diet, and that is governmental fraud if you ask me. I have to pay for your soy cheese?

I watch a lot of what other people eat. In a way, you could say…. I am judging what you eat. But it’s because I feel sorry for you. I want to guide you to better choices. I want you to want more for yourself.  One coworker of mine comes into work every day with an entire LITER of Mountain Dew. Have you seen that Diane Sawyer special? Mountain Dew Mouth?  Teeth BATHED in Sugar water all day??  Sometimes alongside of that she has a Venti size frappa-mochachino with whipped cream on top. A MILKSHAKE, OKAY at eight o’clock in the morning!  And then from the diner across the street, I regularly sit next to her as she consumes some fried foods, with some more battered friend foods on side.  I feel sorry for them really. I believe that you only get one body. You have to treat it well. I really believe this. Now.

I am to the point now that when I eat fast food.. I feel awful afterwards. Tired, crampy.. it’s really not  worth it.

YET I HAVE 20 POUNDS TO LOSE, and am rocking 29% bodyfat. (they tell me my bodyfat should be around 20%).

So, I am at the mall today. And while I am trying on item after item, I am just fixated on how I have “let myself go”.  I found a stretch mark, yo! Bulges that show thru the clothes…. terrible.

Maybe it was the stores I was shopping in, but woman after woman that came into the dressing room, when asking for another size asked for a DOUBLE ZERO.  The fact that there is a size this small blows my mind. I know I’ve discussed this before in this space. Double Zero– dead???

We often discuss “Standards of Beauty?”  Is that the standard in this image-obsessed affluent culture?

This size is on the racks in seeming abundance and it’s repeatedly asked for by woman after woman in these stores. Meanwhile, I am lucky to find my size anymore in my two favorite clothing stores. If I do find it…. it’s the pair  at the very back, or the blouse completely at the bottom of the stack.

Lets say you’re a Double Zero size and you drop 5 pounds from a stressful month at work. WHERE DO YOU GO FROM THERE?  BabyGap???

Anyway, this week I embark on the 1st of five sessions with a personal trainer. I am committed to going 2-3X per week  And I begin to start logging everything I put in my mouth. WHICH I THOUGHT WERE THE RIGHT THINGS.  I can’t wait to see how he’s going to restrict my food in some way.


How did this all come to be?  I hope to log my progress (and probably plenty of whining) here.



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Filed under Announcement, Life, rants, Remember-When....., Things-I-Don't-Understand

New Thoughts & New Beginnings

So, I’ve abandoned this blog for about two and a half years.Much has happened since then. And just the same, things I’ve waited to  change any moment haven’t changed at all. I’ve recently had many thoughts and I am seeking an outlet. Blogging unfortunately has been mostly forgotten by everyone due to this little website called Facebook. Those that blog now are known as bloggers. They get sponsored to go to fancy themed conferences. They are also sent new products for review on the blog whose readership is in the thousands per day. Those that in many ways begin to cater their content to their readers, and to what topics get the most readers. Alternatively, what posts drive down the readership they seem to cut down on.

Anyway. I feel like I have much to say. But don’t know how much courage I’ll have to put things here. Even though Im sure hardly anyone will see this.

So, Im thirty now. This has been a big milestone for me for many reasons. Part of me doesn’t really believe Im 30 yet. It doesn’t help that I physically look only as old as 22 or 23 as said by most people. I realize that it’s probably going to be a good thing in 5-10 more years.  But I have always felt like people don’t take me seriously because I appear to be so young. I find myself frustrated much of the time that I get the “So, are you still in School?” question.

Now  I know it’s not a big deal. No. Im not in school. I’ve been out for 5 years. But what people do assume about me is that I living with my parents (whatever!), people are paying my way, that I really don’t have real-life anxieties and big things to be concerned about.

Just today, I was scrolling through Facebook on my way out to my car (iPhone! 🙂 Didn’t have one of those the last time I blogged!) I noticed that today, two of my Facebook friends announced they had closed escrow on their homes. Of course I am happy for them. One of them is a single mother of a pre-schooler whose husband an affair for several years with the wife’s closest friends. She is now thousands of miles away from him raising the child alone, working a professional job and raising a boy. She deserves this house!

The other is a married couple that recently moved out of California and in the last 2 years put down twenty-two offers AT ASKING PRICE OR ABOVE and were outbid by investors.

But what I’m really thinking/feeling is, “What is wrong with me? Why are some of these people YOUNGER than me, and have these things? Really, is there something wrong with me that I don’t have these things yet?  

I really had envisioned a much different script for my life. I have to keep in check how often I think about whether I made a rogue left-turn in life somewhere.  Even though my mind pretty knows pretty confidently, my heart has more trouble getting on board with the fact that God has this all figured out already. I don’t need to stress about it.

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Filed under Authenticity, God, Life, Things-I-Don't-Understand

This Apartment May be Harmful to Your Attitude.

Could my apartment be depressing to me? Or is it just the situation that I am in?  I swear to you, I can be fine all day long—-perfect acting as required within my industry and line of work. Someone even commented today… “You are SO cheerful with the Guests!!” Yeah. So I hear.  I wonder who that person is?

But seriously, I come home and perhaps just the look of this cluttered living room, perhaps the hot-pink and red college-dorm looking couch I am sitting on…. I come home at night… and I instantly want to be sound asleep. Or someplace else.

Lately, the second I walk in the door I am unhappy.

I have to be honest. I think part of what bothers me is that my roommate comes home each and every night. Plops right on the couch, and doesn’t move from there until she goes to bed. We’ve lived together just over four months now, and I can fairly assess that it never, ever crosses her mind to clean a bathroom, wipe a sink, run the dishwasher unless I specifically ask her to do any of these things. Absolutely nothing. We have a potential roommate coming any second… and instead of attempting to make this place look halfway presentable.. maybe run the vacuum… or clean the clutter (which is ALL hers) off the coffee table… she just tells the potential..

“The place is a mess! hee hee!”

Oh yeah… the messier the better!  Instead of $865 for that room… let me give you a thounsand dollars to live in the place with the refridgerator that doesn’t close unless you lift UP on the handle first, electrical outlets that don’t work, screen doors that are off track, and a linoleum floor that even after 4 consecutive BLEACH washes.. still is not clean.

People are being refreshingly honest with me, saying, “Sarah, honestly.. someone with $865 to spend on a room is not gonna pick your place with stained dirty carpets, dirty floors (depiste my desperate attempts to clean them, and a fridge that is hanging on it’s last hinge.

Frankly.. it’s just her plain lack of motivation in general. Other than her full time job, she is home on the couch. At any time of the day.

We had the beginnings of a discussion yesterday about why it is she has never gotten a driver’s license and learned to drive at close to thirty years old.

Granted, I didn’t start the conversation. She had come home dissapointed from her own church after having a meeting with the youth director. For more than a month she had been talking about returning to this “home church”  and doing ministry with high-school girls. This is her absolute passion. Her undergraduate degree was even in this very vocation. Hence the job she has now…. but that’s another story.

She was processing with me how this youth leader had a very pointed meeting with her, focusing on her apparent “unreadiness” to have a small group of high-school girls.  And what do I know? I am just going with what she told me.  Apparently a high-school girl in her last group reported back that she promoted a certain lifestyle that is clearly unbiblical, but my roommate alluded to it being okay.

I don’t really believe that happened, and the girl was confused, but whatever….

But she also confronted her on the lack of driving issue.  She said that other youth staff had commented to the Director that she makes them feel guilty for not giving her rides home at night  and to other events.

This I doubt as well, as I live with her and she has never guilted me for not taking her anywhere. In fact, there was one time when she was needing to collect one of numerous checks she is owed by people, and she didn’t want to ask me to take her.  WELL, GET IN THE CAR AND GET US THAT MONEY!  She obeyed.:)

So, we began a discussion about her lack of driving at her very more than young-adult age.

“I have to tell you, it is different and rather odd that you show no motivation to even want to learn to drive”

“I’ve driven before!! I’ve had four permits in the past!” She said defensively.

Not offended, I said, “Okay. So, when you’ve driven, you’ve always had someone else—a licensed driver in the car to supervise you.”  (Translation—this is not “driving”).

“Yeah, and I hated it. I hated every minute of it.”

Look. It doesn’t matter what I think of anybody else thinks… obviously she shouldn’t be denied a volunteer youth leader position if she is gifted and qualified to do it due to the fact that she doesn’t hold a Motor Vehicle License.

But I did tell her that I see how much she misses out on. I’ve seen her pout when all her friends are having a bonfire down at the beach, but she can’t go because there is not a bus route that goes down to the beach and back here again.  Part of the reason she has a job that is so below her educational level and skill level is because she literally works five minutes away. She has to always be employed along a bus route.

I realize many do this, but to me I think it just adds to the “apathy” and minimal motivation characterization. If I don’t cook and share with her (and of course I always do.. who wants to cook for one?)  The only things she eats these days are take out and fast food.

This is relevant and the point I am trying to make with the food is that during last nights discussion in repsonse to the Youth Director’s question of

Why don’t you just get a car???”

Her response (at least to me) was that there would be no point in her purchasing a car and learning to drive. Why?  Because then she would have to afford gas.  And car insurance!  THE INSANITY!

Well, frankly, if you know me… I had a heyday with that response.  WHAT DOES EVERYBODY ELSE DO!?  YOU AFFORD IT!!!  I said,  ”

I wouldn’t get to work if I didn’t have car insurance and gas in my car. I couldn’t have the job I have.”  And maybe that’s simply because I refuse to sit on a bus twice a day for a whole hour each way to get to work…. but JS.

And my last point—Thats, right.. .she has never purchased gas or insurance, let alone paid for oil changes, maitenance, or repairs.  Where is that chunk of unallocated money??

Oh, and here’s a hint, “IVE SEEN HER PAYSTUB. SHE MAY HAVE A LOW-CLASS MEANINGLESS JOB  JUST AS I DO, BUT SHE STILL IS BRINGING HOME MORE MONEY THAN ME!  And she wants to say she wouldn’t afford a tank of gas a week?  I don’t think so!!

Perhaps if she stopped eating out at roughly 30-40 dollars per week, maybe she would have that money for gas.  Going to the grocery store helps. I have stopped eating out if it’s not for a social/speicial occassion.  AND I AM SAVING MONEY!   I am completely blessed to be entirely in the BLACK THIS MONTH! GOD IS GOOD!

Finally, she ended the conversation by thinking of her own solution of the not driving problem.

“I just need to move to a place where a car is not needed..”

i say, “You mean like San Francisco, or New York?”

“Yes!! Thats it!” she said.

WHAT SHE IS FAILING TO REALIZE THOUGH IS THAT DO YOU THINK THE HOUSING IS EXPENSIVE HERE?  Try $2500 a month for apartment rentals in most areas of San Francisco!  Oh, that REALLY sounds like a good plan!  But hey… you don’t need a car, to buy gas, and car insurance!   You sure beat them!

I’m out and spent…

The bottom line here folks.. is why do I always end up living with people that have no housekeeping skills, or even understand what mutual responsibility and respect of a home are???  Do I magnetize these people or what?!   JS!!

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Filed under Current-Events, Life, rants, Relationships, Stress, Things-I-Don't-Understand, work

Lets Go Boys!: Game II, 2008 NBA Finals.

I’ve got front row Armchair seats tonight! You know where to find me from 6:00PM to about 8:30 or so.  We need a win, boys! I’ve got Barbecued Baked Lays®™ chips and Papa Johns®™.  (Probably bleaching the kitchen during the commercials..).

This brings back memories of the Laker’s being in the same place eight years ago in 2000. Although after the big win,  our only in LA fans came out strong.  So, just as I may want to speculate if the Laker’s will win it again.. I have a hunch this might all happen again too…

10,000 fans massed outside Staples Center to watch the action on a big screen during the Game 6 NBA Finals match up between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Indiana Pacers. The Lakers would win a hard fought 116-111 victory to capture their first title in 12 years. The real fan fun would shortly begin immediately thereafter.

Things started tame enough. Just a few bonfires here and there to burn a little Pacers gear. Some innocent debris throwing at the limousines parked in front of the arena soon followed. Why not? All the rich and privileged front runners got to enjoy the win inside the arena. Why can’t your average fan who can’t afford to fork over several hundred dollars for a seat have some fun outside? By all means, smash some television news vans, torch some police cars, terrorize any car that comes along that tries to steer away from your celebration by jumping upon them and punching their windows out.

Meanwhile inside Staples, tens of thousands paying fans remain trapped because it has been deemed too dangerous to leave. Among them is A.C. Green. All the Laker player can do is stand on the floor with reporters hours after winning the championship wondering when he can just go home, let alone celebrate. The Pacers couldn’t go anywhere either, for the team bus was barred by police from leaving. No major foul guys.  After all, isn’t tonight all about you?!

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Filed under Current-Events, Life, Remember-When....., Things-I-Don't-Understand, TV

Not Sure I Can Title This:

February 1985.

bowel-haircuts AND matching sweaters!  The wrongness knew no boundaries in our family.

Actually, I think I am submitting this photo to work. On our Main HUB site at work, they have a rotating photo collage of Cast Members along with family and friends enjoying some part of the Show that we work so hard to put on all over the world.

If my sister Amy knew I was even considering doing this…she’d probably put a hit out for my life.

Really though!… Bowel haircuts wasn’t freakish enough?! We had to all have matching sweaters too?!!! Vaguely it looks like our jeans even match…

Is it just me.. or were the 80’s as visually ugly as I remember them to be?!

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Filed under Family, Life, Nerdy-stuff, rants, Remember-When....., Things-I-Don't-Understand, What's the Deal With", work

just some venting…

here’s a copy of an email i just sent to Anglea…

“so, i am inviting some of my close friends over tomorrow afternoon to watch your movie. i figured it would be a fun way to explain “who is Angela Shelton? and why are you always talking about her’

but also I am telling my own whole story at an event with all these people there and many more on Tuesday night. so, i thought it would be a good… oh, I dunno…. introduction? 🙂  a warm up? an appetizer?

i know this shouldn’t make me aggravated, but why is it the people that say

oops, sorry i can’t make it.. I am waay too stressed lately to watch such a ‘heavy movie’ like that’

are EXACTLY the people that need to see it and break their silence?  I am frustrated, but wish i wasn’t.

remember when i told you i gave a friend your movie after she shared her whole story with me (and vice versa) and then she instantly decided we couldn’t be friends anymore, and then wound up spreading horrible rumors about me to many different people?!

in a way, when i hear, “ im too stressed to watch this movie’

it sort of  makes me feel like, ‘if i knew your whole story, that would stress me out too and i couldn’t handle it.’

i kind of hear them say, ‘your life is heavy’

i dunno.. just venting, i guess. i wish people wouldn’t let the little things frighten them. i mean, really.. letting a movie hold them back from getting well and healthy?!

and to think i was stressing about what kind of snacks and drinks to buy for everybody to be fed!  i guess that costco trip isn’t needed after all.  it’s going to be smaller than i thought!”

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Filed under Stress, SuperIntern, Therapy, Things-I-Don't-Understand, What's the Deal With"

A Judge that Done Good—-For Once. . .

Burn in Hell, Sheila Sikat. You are NOT a woman!

A Rancho Santa Margarita woman convicted of molesting a 4-year-old girl with her husband while they recorded the acts on videotape was sentenced to 50 years in prison Thursday.

Sheila Marie Sikat, 28, stared down at a counsel table with tears in her eyes as Superior Court Judge Gary S. Paer called her an active participant in horrific and outrageous crimes.

“Society deserves a zero tolerance on these types of offenses,” Paer said.

Sikat did not comment during the one-hour sentencing hearing. She glanced briefly over at her grandmother as she was led from the 10th floor courtroom with her hands cuffed behind her back.

Her sister – the mother of the 4-year-old molestation victim – wiped tears from her eyes in the hallway outside the courtroom after the sentencing. She declined to comment.

But two weeks ago, the sister mother wept in her court as she asked Paer in a presentencing hearing to show leniency. She described Sikat as a good sister and a good aunt who was controlled by a psychotic husband.

“She’s not evil,” the sister said

Paer did not disagree with the sister’s assessment of David Shoutyh Hwang, Sikat’s husband, who pleaded guilty to multiple counts of child molestation last year and was sentenced to 50 years to life.

The judge described Hwang, 38, as a “hard-core pedophile,” and “the worst of the worst.”

But the judge also added that there was no getting around the fact that Sikat “willingly assisted Hwang in committing these horrendous crimes” by bringing her 4-year-old niece to their Rancho Santa Margarita home to be molested after promising to baby-sit the little girl.

If Hwang was the director of the videotapes that showed four sexual episodes involving the couple and the girl, Sikat “was the assistant director,” Paer said

Defense attorneys Ed Munoz and Ronald Chrislip contended during the two-week trial in December that Sikat was coerced, pressured and threatened into participating in the videotaped sexual encounters by Hwang.

Jurors wept when they watched four of the videotapes – which showed numerous sex acts with the seemingly drugged girl – during the trial. The videotapes were played in open court but the screen was turned away from the gallery.

Three of those jurors returned to Paer’s court Thursday to watch the imposition of sentence. All three agreed that the 50-year term was appropriate.

“She was no victim,” juror Randy Styner said of Sikat. “She made her choices. She could have stopped it at any time.”

Styner also said that he believed Sikat was remorseful and sincere when she took responsibility for her actions and apologized to her sister at last month’s presentencing hearing.

“It was my fault and my fault only,” Sikat told Paer on Feb. 28 with tears streaming down her face. “Love is about protection. I failed to protect my niece.”

She also said she deserved to go to prison for what she did.

Chrislip argued for a 20-year term for Sikat, contending that she had been beaten and verbally abused by Hwang. “But for David Hwang, this wouldn’t have happened,” the defense attorney said.

But Deputy District Attorney Beth Carmichael said that if Sikat had not willingly brought her niece over for baby-sitting, the girl would never have been molested. Carmichael asked for a 60-year sentence.

Paer settled for 50 years in prison.

Sikat will be at least 66 years old before she is eligible for parole.

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Filed under Current-Events, Life, rants, Relationships, SuperIntern, Therapy, Things-I-Don't-Understand