My Favorite Quotes From Adam Corolla
Adam was supposed to take me as his wife:-) However, since he made a mistake and married Lynette instead… I give you my favorite quotes from him when he was still hosting the nationally syndicated “Loveline” radio-call-in with Dr. Drew Pinsky(addiction medicine specialist). He has since replaced Howard Stern’s morning show (Since Howard went to subscription only Sirius in 2005). He may have a crude and unique way of getting his message across, but it shows great concern for troubled youth of America.(The demographic of the show is approx. 12-30, but most callers are teens). Adam has also been candid about his own many years of psychotherapy which influences his advice to people. Politically, I think many would be surprised to find him quite conservative on social-welfare issues. For me, it’s discussion of very serious human issues, that cause me to to explode in laughter. Some may view these quotes as insulting the callers and “making fun, for ratings”. However, I see it as Adam pointing out to the young people how outrageous their life choices are. Remember the context that the majority of these callers are high-school aged teenagers
To a girl whose grandfather molested her:
ADAM: Where is he now
CALLER: He died a couple of years ago.
ADAM: Oh, that’s good. What part of hell is he in now?
To a 22-year-old, pregnant caller whose boyfriend is an abusive cheater:
DREW: Where’s your dad?
CALLER: He doesn’t live with us.
DREW: Imagine that. How old was your mom when she had you?
ADAM: But you probably have a sister who’s 35, right?
To a caller who both Adam and Drew think was abused:
CALLER: I lived a sheltered life.
DREW: When did you first have sex?
CALLER: When I was 16.
ADAM: Sixteen months?
CALLER: No, sixteen years.
DREW: What did you mean when you said that you lived a “sheltered life”?
ADAM: Chained to the radiator.
To a 16-year-old caller who is pregnant with her second child, married, and having an affair:
ADAM: You know the Jerry Springer show?
ADAM: You ever make fun of those people who are on the show?
ADAM: Well, they would make fun of you!
About a caller who now cuts herself because here stepdad and stepbrother abused her:
“She would’ve been better off if her mom had just married a Kodiak bear and brought THAT into the house.”
“Fathers: be nice to your daughters, or else later on they’ll go out with guys who call them ‘skanky bitches.'”
To a 23-year-old mother with three kids:
CALLER: I’m not a typical young mother of three. We own a house.
ADAM: Does it have wheels?
Talking about the husband of a female caller who had an abusive past:
ADAM: He’s not a great guy, is he?
CALLER: Actually, he’s wonderful. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
ADAM: Yeah, but that don’t take much.
“Listen up, fathers: if you want to mistreat your young daughter, congratulations. You’ll be seeing her in a porn movie later on.”
About abused kids, and how the government emphasizes abuse less than it emphasizes second-hand smoke:
“Believe me, these kids would be better off if they lived with Slash in a closet while he went through a carton of butts every day. They’d come out healthier, both physically and emotionally.”
Talking to a caller whose dad is a minister:
DREW: Did your dad ever strike you?
CALLER: My dad used to spank us.
DREW: Did he use objects?
DREW: That’s against the law!
ADAM: What did he use, the Bible?
To a female caller, about her mother, who picked boyfriends that abused her:
“I wish she’d just grow a pair a nuts, so you could just go over there and kick ’em.”(I personally use this phrase all the time!–Sarah)
To a girl who was abused by her father, and consequently has picked abusive boyfriends: ADAM: Let one of your friends pick a boyfriend for you.
CALLER: No, she’d pick the wrong guy, someone too ugly, someone too fat, someone too short–
ADAM: Take the fat guy. At least if the fat guy tried to abuse you, you could just run away.
To a caller who wants to get his penis pierced:
ADAM: You want to do that to your penis because somebody molested you, right?
CALLER: Yeah, when I was four. My next-door neighbor.
ADAM: Well, THIS’LL show ’em! This is the sweetest revenge, isn’t it, Drew? You put your hand in my pants down by the pool cabana when I was four, so now I’m gonna put a shard through my penis. THAT’S gonna make it right.
DREW: The patients that I’ve dealt with that have been able to articulate what they were doing said that they were trying to master the damage that’s been done to them. They’re trying to screw with themselves before anybody else screws with them.
ADAM: But it’s too late. You know what’s ironic? The people who want to screw with themselves before anyone else screws with them already got screwed with, otherwise they wouldn’t be screwing with themselves! Listen, it’s a bad deal. This isn’t gonna fix anything. You understand, you’re only doing this because somebody touched you. That’s not the greatest reason. I feel sorry for you, but just knock it off! Get some therapy, will you? Do you really think you’re gonna feel better just by putting a hoop through your penis? What kind of a life-changing process is that, anyway? What, you think it’s like Outward Bound, or something, where you go off into the wilderness, beat your chest, rappel down a rope, and come back a changed man? Who are you kidding? You go to Venice Beach and some other sick F- puts his hand on your junk and shoves a spear through it! Knock it off! Please!
To a 16-year-old girl whose dad went to jail, and who is having sex with a 24-year-old guy who has two kids and who made her get an abortion once:
“Do you have to sabotage your life, or can’t you just live it? You know what I mean? If you’re not gonna go to college, study, or learn to play the piano, at least don’t F- up your life intentionally. It’s like, if you’re not gonna go get your car’s oil changed, at least don’t pour sand in it.”
To a 14-year-old girl who is having sex with a 21-year-old guy:
“I know your dad’s a world-class A-hole, but that doesn’t mean you have to seek out the runner-up in the A-hole competition.”—(I actually use this metaphor when discussing my dating life—-Sarah)
About acting out:(A great definition, in my opinion!)
“You don’t want it, but you won’t have it any other way.”
To a 16-year-old female caller who is having a purely sexual relationship with an 18-year-old guy:
ADAM: Where’s your dad?
CALLER: He’s asleep.
ADAM: In what state?
“I don’t know where Slash is; I haven’t seen him around lately. You know how some people go to the supermarket and forget where they left their car? I think Slash went to get the paper and forgot where his house was.”
To a girl who was excreting green stool, and was wondering if smoking pot was the cause of it:
“Here’s my hypothesis: the marijuana does not directly change your stool color, but because you were stoned, you ate a chia pet.”
To an Asian caller who says he has low tolerance for alcohol:
DREW: Asians lack an enzyme in the stomach which breaks down alcohol… your enzyme “machinery” protects you from the disease of alcoholism by causing you to vomit and get sick when you drink.
ADAM: But you do have enzymes which make you especially good at math; and, you have an enzyme which makes you tolerant of large amounts of opium.
CALLER: I’ve gone through a lot of depression. I have a friend that helps me get through it.
ADAM: Is his name Heroin?
To a caller who seemed to be neglecting his kids:
“Go take care of your kids, will you? I wish people would be as interested in raising their kids as they are in the humping process that creates the kids.”
“I don’t care if people are screwed up, and I don’t blame them for being screwed up. I just blame them for having kids when they’re screwed up, and not thinking they’re screwing those kids up.
“When you have a kid, your life ends and your child’s life begins.”
To a female caller with a bad past:
ADAM: Do not have any more kids.
CALLER: I don’t plan on it.
ADAM: But you didn’t plan on the first two, right?
CALLER: Uhhhh, kind of…
ADAM: No you didn’t. Pulling out is not planning.
“Kids need a father in the house. Not just someone with a penis; an actual father figure.“
“When I become president, here’s the plan. Have as many kids as you like. But the second you come to me (and when I say me, I mean the government) and say, ‘Listen, I need some money to take care of these kids I have,’ I will sign the check as soon as you get the Norplant in your arm! This sounds Hitler-esque, but really when you think about it, you don’t have to get the Norplant, just don’t ask me for any money.”
About adults who still live with their parents:
“See, my theory is that after your forty-fifth birthday, they’re living with you.”(I share this one with people a lot–Sarah)
Often, success has nothing to do with talent. You look at the Spice Girls, and you think, ‘Gosh, why didn’t I think of that?!'”
Talking to a 16-year-old male caller who was having sex with a 20-year-old girl:
ADAM: So, why is she having sex with you? Are you exceptionally good-looking? Or is there something wrong with her?
CALLER: Uh, exceptionally good-looking. And, uh, she’s a rather normal gal.
ADAM: You would say you’re exceptionally good-looking?
CALLER: I hate to brag, but I’ve been told that a lot.
ADAM: Yeah, you’re a very good-looking guy.
STEPHEN BALDWIN (GUEST): Who do you look like?
CALLER: Nobody in particular. Although, back a couple of years ago, people would say I look like Tom from Blink 182.
ADAM: But if Tom wasn’t in Blink 182,… he wouldn’t be good-looking.
During a show in which Dr. Bruce was filling in for Dr. Drew:
“…All right, that’s enough. Do your job, Drew. I mean, Bruce. I’m so used to yelling at Drew that every time I yell at someone, I call him ‘Drew.’ I’m gonna have to name my kid ‘Drew’ just so that there won’t be any confusion.”
Complaining about Westwood One Studios:
“You know you’re working in a bad outfit when the creamer is called ‘whitener.'”
“Most of the parents who listen to this show are drunk and 16.”
“Another thing I don’t like are the people who go to a Starbucks and set up camp. Every time I walk into one of those places, here’s some guy, he’s got like a fax machine, a modem, a laptop computer, a thesaurus, encyclopedias, a couple of notepads–he’s writing a novel. Meanwhile, he’s got a buck-seventy worth of coffee in him, and he’s going on his ninth hour. ”
Talking about the time some guy hit his parked car, and how poorly the legal system failed to handle the situation:
“We settled it in court, and the guy owed me 3,500 bucks. But I never got a penny from him! And after about a year I called the courthouse, and I said look, the guy’s supposed to send 200 dollars to you each month, and you’re supposed to send it to me. But they have no record of it, they have no idea what’s going on. And I said listen, here’s what I’d like you to do. Pretend that I owe you five dollars. Because when you get a parking ticket in this god-forsaken city, they come after you with helicopters.[yes they do!–S] And believe me, they don’t forget about anything.[No, they do not!] Everything doubles, there are penalties, there’s interest, and if you get a parking ticket, and god forbid a year later you try to go in and register your vehicle, do not think the computer at the DMV is not linked up to the computer at the courthouse, and that they haven’t added ten bucks on there beside doubling and tripling the fee. But when it comes to people owing YOU money, there’s a monkey in the back with an abacus! When you owe THEM money, they’re using the computer at JPL. But when some idiot owes YOU money, there’s a caveman smacking on something with a stick! I want you A-holes to use the SAME computer you use when I get a parking ticket, on the guy who owes me money. Now I got a letter today, and the letter said ‘Dear Mr. Cattillo.’ Can we not fire anybody from this system? How stupid do you have to be? They spelled my name with like four T’s in it!! I don’t know how you can F– up that badly, but let me tell you something, everybody: In the private sector, you’d not only be fired, you’d be BEATEN! Out in the parking lot! Do you understand? You are so inept and so incompetent that firing wouldn’t be enough! Anyway, I said, why don’t you just go and get the guy? You know? Just show up at his house and go get him? And even though this guy owed me 3,500 bucks, they said, ‘Oh, we can’t do that.’ Then how come when my buddy Ray had a bunch of parking tickets, the sheriff showed up at his doorstep, his mom answered the door, and they pulled him out in his underpants and threw him in the back of the squad car? You go get Ray, how come you don’t go get this guy? Why? Because there’s nothing in it for them. This guy owes ME money, he does not owe them money. What do I have to do, cut you guys in? Is that what it’s gonna take? Do you have to skim a little off the top? Let me explain something to all you lawmakers, judges, and politicians. The court system is in place NOT as a fundraiser. The reason you’re there is to promote justice and protect the citizens. Citizens pay tons of money in taxes, and once every ten years they need you. And you fall flat on your asses, you lazy, pathetic SOB’s. Here’s what I want: I want some credit. Next time I get a $35 parking ticket, just go ahead and pull that off the $3,500 that you have not done anything about.
“To an 18-year-old girl who’s dating a 22-year-old guy:
CALLER: His aunt is friends with my mom, and they talk about bad things that he’s done in the past. But deep down, he’s a really good guy.
ADAM: Listen. Deep down, everyone is a good guy. Hitler, Manson–they were all really good guys. Way, way, WAY deep down. But as I say to Drew all the time when he tries to look for the good in everybody, what do I say? Not interested. You better not go two layers deep before you turn sour.
DREW: That, and, you are what you do. That’s who you are.
ADAM: That’s a good point. Women, when are you gonna smarten up with this? It’s like, sure he gets drunk, sure he smacks me around a little, sure he gambled away the welfare money, sure he sodomizes the kids, but you know, when you catch him on the right day, he can really be a warm guy! As a matter of fact, I’d like to meet a prick who’s a philanthropist. That’s the guy I wanna hang with: some guy whose center core is rotten, and he’s evil, except all he does is good deeds. Where’s that guy, by the way?
DREW: Women idealize men, and don’t look at what they’re really doing, don’t listen to what they’re really telling him, and don’t deal with who they actually are.
ADAM: Whatever you’re doing is what you are, everybody. That’s you. That’s how you define yourself. If you’re boozing, you’re an alcoholic! If you’re raping, you’re a rapist! And then, who cares what the core is?
CALLER: But I love this guy. I really do. I would do absolutely anything for him.
ADAM: What does this guy do for a living? Does he work around metal?
CALLER: No, he doesn’t. He installs air-conditioners.
ADAM: What are those made out of? Balsa wood?!!?
To a girl who automatically got straight As, a scholarship, and the “Student of the Year” prize, all because her boyfriend committed suicide:
“Did you wipe your prints off the gun?”
Talking with Gary Busey about spirituality:
GARY: The difference between organized religion and spirituality is, organized religion teaches you to be afraid of hell; spirituality is for those who have been there.
ADAM: I always thought the difference was that basket they pass around.
“The doctor always tells you to get down to your underwear, and then he goes to Cancun for the weekend before coming back!”
Talking to a male caller who’s attracted to younger girls:
CALLER: I’m 28, and I don’t look nothing like my age. I look more like an 18-year-old.
ADAM: His grammar’s nothing like his age, either. So he’s got it all covered.
Talking to a female caller whose husband is a paranoid schizophrenic:
CALLER: Shortly after we got married, he bought a boat, and he started sailing on the boat all the time. I had no way of getting to him. It was like a houseboat.
ADAM: How’s he able to afford that?
CALLER: It was–actually, I bought it.
ADAM: Oh, you just bought a houseboat?
CALLER: It was really inexpensive, believe it or not. It was a thousand dollars.
ADAM: I’m picturing that boat!
CALLER: It’s a homemade wooden boat. It’s pretty cool, though. It’s kind of like a floating room. Anyway, he just kind of like started taking off, and he pretty much–
ADAM: Hold on. I’m picturing a floating room, and it doesn’t sound great to me.
DREW: I’m picturing Ted Kaczynski’s hut on a floating mattress.
ADAM: Yeah. Here’s basically what I’m picturing: I’m picturing a Sears gardening shed on a Pilates mat. “
Talking to a female caller who is having unprotected sex with her boyfriend, but doesn’t think she’ll get pregnant:
CALLER: Well, I’m not doing it when I have my period or anything, I don’t do that.
DREW: It doesn’t matter when you do that. How–
CALLER: I’ve never gotten pregnant before.
DREW: Okay, well, you’re gonna get pregnant, all right? How do you think you’re going to avoid it?
ADAM: Hold on a second. I really think some of our callers were, like, frozen when the Ice Age hit. We thawed them out, and they’re just like natives!
DREW: Primitive man.
ADAM: Primitive man, yeah. [in primitive voice] “I never got pregnant before, because, I won’t get pregnant because I’ve never been pregnant before!”
DREW: “Crow fly from right, moon come from sky, no pregnant!”
ADAM: “And if I do get pregnant, all I gotta do is sacrifice a goat, or something, throw it into a volcano, and the baby will go away! WTF?!?!!”
Talking to a caller who is unemployed and has two kids with another unemployed person:
“What is the plan, everybody? I can understand not having declared a major yet; the plan doesn’t have to be that specific. But when you’ve got two kids, you’re not married, nobody’s employed–what kind of plan is that?”
“Here’s the irony of people who like to get into bizarre highs: these are the people who can afford to do it the least. You know what I mean? It’s kind of a catch-22. Because you think it’s a good idea to suck off of your car’s gas tank in the first place means you just have the bare minimum amount of brain cells allotted to a human as is, and you’re burning those quick.”
Talking to a 17-year-old female caller:
CALLER: The other day my cousin and I got really drunk, and I think we had oral sex.
DREW: You think?
ADAM: What, his retainer was in your underpants when you woke up?
To a 20-year-old guy who is having sex with a 15-year-old neighbor:
CALLER: SHE kept coming over to MY place!!!!
ADAM: Listen, if her Frisbee kept coming over the fence, would you start humping it?
ADAM: Stop having sex with her. Don’t be an idiot!
DREW: (Sarcastically) But she keeps coming over!
ADAM AND DREW: [sigh]
ADAM: Go kick your dad in the nuts for me, will you? Somehow he’s failed you.
To a female caller:
DREW: Do you have a hymen?
CALLER: What’s a hymen?
ADAM: WOW. I was a terrible student, I failed Biology, I failed Driver’s Ed, I failed Math, I was a ceramics major, AND I was a guy, but at least I still knew what I hymen was!
To “Dawn,” a bulimic caller who uses laxatives:
ADAM: What does that do, are you constantly on the pot?
DAWN: No, actually, I didn’t go to the bathroom enough before, so it just makes me more regular now, I guess.
DREW: Dawn, please.
ADAM: Drew, let’s give Drew’s fantasy-land reaction to that. Should we just do that for fun?
ADAM: I’ll be Dawn. “Ummm, well actually, I don’t move my bowels enough, so really, the laxative abuse just makes me more regular.”
DREW: Oh, that’s great, honey. You better go back to using at least 5 to 7 a day then, and make sure you’re having at least 12 bowel movements a day.
ADAM: That’s a new segment, “Drew’s Fantasy Answer.” Let me just try a couple more of those. Alright everybody, “Drew’s Fantasy Answer.” Ummm, “I’m doing a lot of speed, both my parents are alcoholics, I’m gonna do a little more for a while, and then I think I’ll just quit on my own.”
DREW: I know a great way to do that! If you graduate over to heroin, particularly intravenously, you’ll be just fine.
ADAM: All right, there’s a good example of one of Drew’s Fantasy Answers. Let’s try one more. Ummm, “I’m having unprotected sex with my boyfriend–”
ADAM: “–and we don’t want children because I’m only 15, obviously, but he does pull out fairly regularly, and I’m pretty confident that I’m not gonna conceive a child.”
DREW: I am too, and as far as the pulling out, you know that doesn’t work, so you might as well not do it, and I’m sure you won’t have any kids.
ADAM: Hey, everybody, “Drew’s Fantasy Answer!”(I also now incorporate this phrase in my daily life—Sarah).
CALLER: A little while ago, I cheated on my husband.
DREW: With whom did you cheat?
CALLER: Uhhh, some guy.
ADAM: Oh, “some guy.” Let me write that down.
After a caller referred to the ovaries as “ovals”:
“That was like, gynecology meets ebonics. ‘Gybonics.'”