This is my attempt at contribution to the awesome idea of Just Write . With the way things are with me, this very well will be the only post. But I love the rules.: The fact that THERE ARE NONE. Because that’s exactly where I am at with my blogging. If you were to look in my archives you would notice that my blogging is often well researched, thought out, my arguments backed up as best as I can. But I am just not there a this point in my life. I am desperate to get the fleeting thoughts in my head out. Outside of myself. And so this experience is exactly what I need. I don’t want to censor myself, check my spelling, give backstory and context etc. I just want to get my thoughts out of myself. My own thoughts that belong to me, no matter how trivial. So here we go.
I went to a meeting on “Mentoring” last week. I went thinking that I really really want to be mentored in some way. As hard as it is to admit, I have many needs. Not even just needs “right now”, I just have needs. I’ve spent hours contemplating what I would like to grow and improve, and in some ways fix. And how could a mentor pour into, or speak into that? Then I walk in the door, and I say. “I am not sure if I need mentoring or if I should be doing it”. And I really feel that way. I’ve had some out of this world mentoring in my life in the past. I am much of who I am today thanks to people that have poured into me. But it’s been many years since I’ve had any real mentoring. I am in a very different place now, and I am filled with questions. I could think of a million things that I could be taught, that I could learn by becoming an”apprentice” of someone else. I am desperate for someone to ask me “How is it going?” It’s so funny that with dozens of social media outlets out there, people are “Checking in” everywhere. But when’s the last time you asked someone, “Hey, how’s that thing going that you were talking about? Have you made any progress? Is that getting any better?” Why are people only superficially engaged these days?” I would love to be able to say to someone sincerely and with a mix of vulnerability and confidence, “I don’t know what I am doing here. Can you guide the way?”
interestingly enough,I it’s been about 4 days since the meeting, and my hunger to both give and receive is gone. Just going to the meeting satiated something with wanting to be mentored. If I have to be honest, I am afraid of being rejected. Of someone telling me “You have more needs than anyone here could match”. I am afraid that I can’t narrow down one goal that I would like to tackle the most.
However I also need to be pouring into other people too. I really believe I have at least something to give. I can pour-in too.
I am falling asleep “justwrite” ‘ ing this. My job is on a mission to kill me these days. I will have worked 13 days in a row with no day off coming up. But my blogging thoughts never flow during the wakeful hours. I even drank a Diet Coke. It has no effect.
I desperately need a vacation. Maybe someone can mentor me to not allow work to swallow up my life. Making me tired, bitter, cranky, no fun, and feeling like I’m just surviving my life.
I want to write more the next time I am awake and coherent.
I love love love the welcoming to JustWrite.